Chapter Four

They all say each picture is capable of telling a story on its own. Take another look at my picture, what makes you think you're looking at the end of my story? On the surface layer where things lay afloat is all you can and do see.

I can't justify myself for calling you up at this hour and saying all those things I said or for even writing this post in fact. Indeed I may regret doing so as I could have pulled you a few steps back to where you first started. Nevertheless I feel the need to stand up for what is real and true to me, that which overwrites the need to even think. I'll never let anyone trample over or deny my most prized possession.

The moments we've shared together with just the two of us is unassailable for all I can say. And that's where it stops. My capabilities only allow me so much as to utter words from my mouth. For that you might see me as nothing more than a lying pinnochio with a 20 foot long nose, regardless I'll say it one more time.

I have never smiled the same since our last smile together

Convicted of every crime, we silently do our time. Do new soldiers stand marching alongside you now? I don't know, but when the day comes, I'd rather hear it from your mouth than anyone elses.

I despise most how they take what I hold dearest to me and turn it all into an abomination against my back. What do they know about us or myself?

One day I swear I will crucify every fucking last one of them if not today, someday soon.

1/2

is this my cue to smile?

i'll never hear them again

memories of an angel as remains

i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

i never can repay what you did for me was way more

and that's all that's left on this barren land

in this inviolable asylum i shall seek refuge

ik

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. It is sad to not be loved but many times worse not to be able to love.

How do I live with myself?

The voices, yours, his, theirs, projects images in my mind which helps keep me less than sane. The laughs and the scorns as he turns a full circle to observe his surroundings, a mockery of society screaming that he be crucified and washed clean of his sins and the demons that dwell in him. And then the devil himself leans in and whispers softly but clearly, ''you reap what you sow, you fucking fool.''

Crestfallen man

Tales of a Crestfallen Man.

It pains me to know that you've walked a great mile away from me. But at the same time, I'm glad to know you're doing well and away from the hurt and pain that we both endlessly drown in. Maybe this was my part in it all. To play my role, only to see you off into a brighter future without me as dictated by our Father himself. In you I saw forever, not knowing I was merely a piece of what would make up your life.

The scent of your perfume, the soft gentle touch of your skin, left my hair standing on ends. It was all so surreal as I took the exact road I usually did to your place. To watch you walk out that door and towards me with a beaming smile on your face. Only this time, it wasn't the same. Only this time, I never got to hug and kiss you the way I usually do the moment you step beyond that gate.

Like a guy shackled against his will as per how everyday, I pray through gritted teeth and clenched fists for the strength and wisdom to make it through the fucking day while battling the wave of emotions washing over me. A broken mess in silence, resisting temptations of caressing your face in my hand, to constrict my arms around you and feel the warmth of your body pressed against mine, to be able to kiss those lips once again. No matter how I tried, I would always pick up the bits and pieces of memories you left behind and tears would fall again.

Even after everything, I've spent countless nights with you, but only nights in dreams. With my senses sharpened, your voice, your touch, the interaction all seemed so real as I jolt up covered in beads of cold sweat finding myself searching frantically for you, only to realize you're no longer here. Its like hell replaying its scenes reminding me of what was and could have been and how I fucked up while the devil laughs and scorns away at me.

Like a Mary Jane to her Peter Parker, Betty Ross to her Bruce Banner, you are what made me human. You kept me happy in ways only you knew how, helped set my life straight, you completed and enabled me altogether, you were my everything. Yes you. For what seemed like a split second, I was able to find my way into your hands tonight as I tightly held on and gently laid a kiss. Just then, my heart stopped and for a glimpse, everything was perfect just the way it used to be.

Words fail to express the euphoria that swept over me that very moment. It was such a dream to have seen you again tonight. But like every other dream, they only prove to be true while they last. You were beautiful as always.


How I miss the days of golden sun. When we had a long, long way to go. We would run, we'd never have enough.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her

With love,
Your Bicycle.

Staring at the carnage
Praying that the sun would never rise
Living another day in disguise
I walked your land but don't belong
Fought so scared forgive me for my crimes
Don't forget that I was so young.

A7x M.I.A

Clairvoyant Disease.

Worship and kiss the altar
All hail the mighty Father
But still love will keep you blind

Like a man plagued with disease, I try to fight
But I'll never let them see the preservation of the martyr in me.

God bestowed me an angel and sent me to hell.

It matters to me more than you know. Thank you. x

Superwoman.

Sometimes life takes us on a jagged path.. but we have to keep on going full speed ahead, looking inside ourselves for the courage to endure and push past them, never looking back. You are a strong and special person, that is what I can truly say. I know that you can do anything you set your mind to. I hope someday, you'd believe in yourself as much as I believe in you b.

Loves

Echoes from within.

When you read these words
I hope you'll think,
just for a moment,

How much you mean to me
and how much you always will,

When you set this card aside
and continue on with the things
you need to do in your day,

Smile a smile for me
and remember how thankful
I will always be for you.

I love you. x

I love you.

Baby, I know I have done you many wrongs before. I know the level of distrust and insecurities you place in me. Amidst our fight yesterday, my main concern was to get in touch with you, to find out if you were home and fine, I forgot completely about the fact that I chatted with her and so I never came around to telling you. I can imagine how wrecked and shaken up you are by what has happened and I cannot begin to describe how sorry I am for making you feel this way. I hate myself for having forgotten, I hate myself for putting you through this and it pains me more than anything else to imagine what you are going through. But at the same time b, I want you to know that I was not lying or hiding anything from you. This girl never lived in Malaysia to begin with and I have only seen her once in my life few years back. What or how could I possibly have anything to hide or lie to you about? I know it is my mistake for forgetting and I am not denying it. I'm sorry. I love you and I hope you will give me a chance by talking to me. You too should know how much I love you, more than anyone else ever did and I would do anything for you, literally. I understand how you see it, but I hope you consider see'ing it from my side to b and try to understand what I am saying. I promised you that I would never lie or hide from you again and I meant that b. I really did.. I don't want to lose you. My biggest wish is for us to be together forever. I'm sorry b, I meant it when I said I would not lie or hide from you. And in this case, I have nothing to. Please believe me b, I beg of you.. You are the only one in my life.

Convictions of a dead man.

It was not even a conversation. It was simply a passing remark. I have never talked to my friends about the wallet, all that was said was

A - so what did your girlfriend get you?

B - she got me an ax wallet

A - seriously!? my girlfriend got me that too!

and we both parted ways. That song, the action of recording it, the trouble you took to see it through was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me in my life. Though I see you would beg to differ. You're not the one to blame. But I would not say it any other way because that is the way it is for me. So forgive me for repeating that same sentence for the millionth time.

Do you not reckon that if anyone were to question me regarding what you did for me on my birthday that I would mention the song? Is that how I'm perceived through your eyes? Well I pray not. Though if that is how you truly feel and think of me, surely it is beyond justifiable to say that I have not been a good enough boyfriend and thus your regards of me.

For that I owe you an apology for not having played my part well. What I can assure you of is the love I have for you and how deep it runs in me. Though I wonder, if you search deep inside yourself, is it really that hard to believe that my love is good? I just want for you to be happy and for me to be happy with you.

Because I care too

So it seems we do have our own occasional fights. Once in awhile, here and there, sometimes.. no actually more like almost every single day of the week. Today's issue was that regarding x facebook x blogpost = x love


I lay it here that I am not your average guy who goes online everyday. Who updates his status everytime he moves from one place to another or checks daily for blog updates from his 101 friends.

The internet is used for = social networking, watching youtube and researching information, all of which I no longer practice. Honestly, I do not need the internet, I do not care that my wifi was down or that it takes 30 minutes to connect to the net because my laptop is older than my dog.


That's probably what my computer would say to me. So with that all being established, let's get to the reason for this blogpost. Baby, I know I have not written on your wall frequently as you'd liked, neither have I been writing on this blog as you too would have liked (sorry splashes).

I want to apologize, for not frequently writing as I said I would. But in promising again that I would blog once and write on your wall at least twice weekly, I wanted you to know that I care and you do matter to me. But I never meant that it'd be a chore. A want to carry out these promises are implanted inside me because I want you to be happy.

I want to be the guy who you'd always want to see me for. I'll make damn sure not to disappoint you. Please, don't doubt me just yet okay? Also, we have been making progress with decreasing the amount of times we fight :) Don't you think so baby?

I want you to know

I love you baby. See you in abit. x

You're so beautiful

Your favorite song baby ;) I edited it a bit. Hehee


Oh your eyes, your eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Your hair, your hair
Falls perfectly without you trying

You're so beautiful
But I don't tell you every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment you
You wont believe me
Your favorite song ;) I edited it alil. Hehee

And its so, its so
Sad to think you don't see what I see

But every time you ask me if you look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

I love you

That which matters will never change.

At most times we are caught up in heat and unable to process what we really are trying to say or to simply understand the literal words of others. So I write this post in hope you'd understand my hearts content.

I am and will always be here for you. I adore it when you would come and lean on me for support. I love you and more than anything I want to share your life, not just the ups but the downs as well. I want to sit down, listen to your problems and help you deal with them bit by bit. Yes I have other priorities and other things I am held accountable for, but for sure that doesn't change a damn thing.

Maybe in the life of others, those boys who come and go, those friends who diss behind your back, those people who try to use you the moment they deem you vulnerable. But not me, you are not a displacement in my life and what we have is real. I am not willing to share moments with you. I am selfish, I want to share all of it with you.

Certain things have changed, my perception of things, my perception of us and the things I take interest in. But I am still me and who I was was not a bluff. My way of expressing or the things I do or have taken interest in my differ, but my love for you hasn't. I've let go the past two times you called for an end. But that was never because of my lack of love or desire for you.

That burning passion never died. But the fact that I saw things from a different point of view, a view where I couldn't make you happy, I couldn't provide for you, that I couldn't be everything you wanted me to be and most of all.. so afraid you would hurt and break down again. It scared me so much more beyond your imagination.

I know when you look at me, your eyes may not meet the person standing right in front of you. I know till this very point, hope lives on in you for me to change back completely to the guy you are in love with. I accept how you feel towards me, I wont deny it and I understand. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about here. Though let me say, who I was was me and nothing close to a lie. Some may say it is the process of making this work, or learning to accept me for who I am, or getting acquainted to new parts. But frankly, I don't know.

But here is what I do know, there are new things we both are getting used to, a change you and I have agreed to take on together for a brighter future, me and you. It isn't easy and its burning us both. I'm sorry for the times I have failed you.

But no matter what it is, I wish you would share it with me and let me be a part of your problems. I want you to trust me and to know how much I love you. That a possibility of there being another is zero. I would always be there for you and no one would ever take your place, you are irreplacable b. There are no words that could be written to describe my love for you. I want to be with you always. Nothing is more important to me than you are.

While some things have changed, that which matters will never change. I am still me, the love and care I had for you is always permanent. I've said this a myriad of times and I'll say it again with the same feelings poured out, that I mean it when I say you are everything to me. I love you Chia Yen-Yi.

Dream Weaver.

I'd let you experience that fall but catch you before you hit ground.

Yes, I do trust you. So much that it hurts when you turn your back against it. Yet altogether, I still believe and never lost faith.

I did let go once, but don't go judging me like that. I would never wish to leave you. It is not as simple as that of a 5 year old's painting, things were out of my grasp and no matter how hard i stretched my arms and tried to reach then, you kept flying away with those widespread angel wings of yours.



This is where you have me wrong, I do not miss or wish to be the person I was before. Just as you have your justifications, my saving grace is that I do not even like who i was back then. Why would I want to devolve back to him? I want to help you look at things from another point, because what you see is not what is real to me.

Do you still not understand bi? I wouldn't have you any other way, I wouldn't change the years we had together. I don't wish you were born any different than the way you were. Not for the world. I love you for you.

I know you love me and I love you too. We didn't get to enjoy a nice dinner together, but I hope you liked the food I got you. I know you love me and more than anything else, I love you. Happy 2 years 3 months anniversary baby.

With love.

I love you so much. More than anything else, don't you know bi?